i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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