ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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