K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
