end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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