If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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