i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize