I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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