I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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