So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
