dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
