I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He better not be in your backpack
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
