Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
