burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
