Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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