Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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