I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
