I can text with my tongue
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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