Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
