Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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