He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
