I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
