i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
