What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
