Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
