Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
