I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
