he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
