Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
