I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
