It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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