kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize