Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.