Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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