I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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