i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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