just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
