I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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