can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
