i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
