I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
