Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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