If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
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