I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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