Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
