They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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