I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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