so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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