By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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