I got chris browned last night
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
