I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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