totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
