one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A+ Viking dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
